It’s Mother’s Day and I am at home on the farm and I’m thinking that Lannie will come out for Mother’s Day and bring out the kids because it’s Sunday. Anyhow people will be going out for brunch today or whatever else works for them while we’re stuck at home for the time being. Belgian waffles would be great if they had any on occasion. I’m not sure what I’m going to do for breakfast today yet because dad’s not up at all yet. Not that it matters we’ll get what we can get for today.
I don’t know about anyone else but it’s just been a long day trip in my life. I’m just been going crazy first over the confusion about what I’m supposed to do with my medication packs and now I’m just stuck dealing here with myself because I’m just tired and fatigued from being alone. People are so stupid they are not worth dealing with on occasion. I may just not want anyone but a man with intelligence would be much appreciated like now. If there’s anything such thing in existence. I rather doubt it. Men are just hopelessly stupid. No common sense whatsoever. And no brains to speak of anyhow. People drive me crazy around the bend because they don’t understand nothing. If they were to read tony Atwood and temple Grandin there might be some hope for them but that’s unlikely because they haven’t a clue what I’m talking about. They’re too stupid to be bothered with. There’s no intelligent people here at all because it’s just not that they are going to improve. I don’t know why I’m here waiting for them they might just wanna jump in a lake. I can think about other things I would rather do as well please let me know if people will ever change. I do want to date and I do value relationships but people are just not interested in intelligent people like me. And a lot of stuff like that. Ugly fugly dumbass punks that’s all I get stuck with. I’ve never actually met anyone of depth and interesting stuff and intelligent in any way I can imagine Loverboy doesn’t love me won’t look at me because I’m just useless to him. Anyhow I’m just wondering what I’m going to do with myself because I’m just tired of being sidetracked with romance. Not that people care about what I’m going to do with myself because it’s just me. Might as well as invest in some major vibrator because guys aren’t excited about me it seems. Aren’t even looking at me anyhow how long do I wanna wait for those losers get their egos chunked to pieces and actually look at me. Guys aren’t working for me because they refuse to man up and go out with me. I just wanna die rather than put up with their bs. Maybe not die but somehow somethings got to give I don’t want to stick around here with a bunch of suck up mamas boys who don’t do anything. I wish I could just have a boyfriend but I’m just screaming at myself and them because it’s all about me and everything is messed up and anyone would like me not. They have no idea what they are doing and they are not genuine. No one pays attention
I’m sick and tired of waiting for the government to do their job like they are supposed to. They said they would do a PDD review but what has come of that? And whatever happened to the disability advocate that they so dearly promised? They are just wasting our time procrastinating bullying lying bullshitting and god only knows what else. They need to improve AISH and overhaul the whole thing and improve. We need AISH benefits to double what we get now in everything possible financially speaking in what we get a month plus what we will be able to earn financially in terms of paid employment and everything else. And not worry about what spouses earn because it’s none of their business what spouses earn or whatever else. And get rid of the iq requirements because its bs. Plus the legalism got to go when it comes to agencies supporting their clients. And also paperwork they require. Anyhow they just are not doing their jobs. And that needs to change. I’m just annoyed because it’s frustrating what they are doing right now and aren’t doing right now. They are just bullshitting everyone. And they don’t care. Like everyone else.
It sucks kinda feeling tired sick today because I’m catching a cold day and I just recently had the mirena replacement done 8 days ago so that was funny. Anyhow I’m just waiting for Mom to come to my apartment and have her take me to work. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself because I’m just tired of being sick and tired and fatigued. What can you do? Anyhow I’m just hoping that she’s here soon. It would be nice if I could just get away from here not that it matters. I’m catching cold and stuff and everything sucks.
I’m just at Lannie and Sarah’s house cause my parents are babysitting my niece and nephew for the time being. Anyhow I’m just feeling tired and fatigued because I was out and about with my Cmha worker all morning first going to Tim Horton coffee shop and then swimming at the eastlink Center before doing some shopping at goodwill and the mall. I’m doing alright right now despite my anxiety issues and other things. Charlotte is doing fine right now while Mom is putting Logan down for a little nap. Sarah my sister in law is doing her podcast today with her sisters before coming home to Charlotte and Logan. I’m just been feeling tired and fatigued a lot today and in the last week or two. I’m just hoping that spring comes around soon as possible because I’m just exhausted from winter. Anyhow at work yesterday afternoon they had me doing a yearly survey on the business and stuff like that. Well I gave them my opinion about everything that they asked me and more. I’m hoping that they will actually make good use of the information that they probably won’t wanna hear but they asked me. So I’m just hoping it’s ain’t just lip service but willing to do something better soon as possible. And not just being full of bs like usual. I’m just hoping that they seriously will take my advice. I’m not sure what time Sarah’s going to be home soon probably. I’m hoping that they will be here soon. Sarah at least. I’m just wondering about whether or not I’m going to have a nap now or later. Charlotte being Charlotte has been climbing up and around the table and being a kid as usual. I’m just hoping that my nieces and nephews will survive this life and in general survive the stigma of having me for an auntie and knowing that I’m not like everything and anything that they expect understanding people with disabilities and mental health issues and what they suffer. I know that having me around is going to be hard for them in life and the realization of all that entails. And a million other things that they don’t know about. I’m sure that they will be fine but I wonder if they would be better off not having me around to make life difficult for them. Whether anyone gets that statement I don’t know but it’s a burden that they will be stuck dealing with sooner or later whatever the case maybe. It might be my imagination it might not be possibly because it’s just the way it is. I’m not exactly normal. I’m just hoping that they will be able to see that I had no intention of being an embarrassment to them despite being so. But they are too young to understand. Normal isn’t something that I can do anything about because it is impossible for me to do such a thing. Normal doesn’t work. Anyhow I’m just hoping that they will be there with compassion and understanding someday knowing what I’m really about. I know that I am going to let them down disappointing them somewhere down the line. I’m just a low key failure with nothing else right now. I’m not sure if anyone cares or not it doesn’t matter. I’m just a waste of time and space I guess. Or maybe I will be better off once I have a nap myself. I don’t know. I’m just tired and having anxiety issues with myself because I’m tired and fatigued and everything else. I’m just hoping waiting to crash and burn myself because I’m waiting to escape a misery that I just can’t shake. I’m sure they will have a better understanding later on eventually because they are intelligent people enough. And I’m just here listening right around here waiting for the next little thing. And it’s going to take me down. I feel like shit tired and fatigued and irritated with my life. I am working on a few things but it’s going to be awhile sorry.
I’m at the farm right now digging myself in for a couple days of quiet time doing very well and very little even though it’s just the last few days of 2017. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and the plan is doing nothing in particular really with Billy and Sheryll. Watching tv maybe if there’s anything of interest. It’s been 15 days since the passing of my grandma. She’s resting in peace at Glen Leslie cemetery we had a funeral at Oliver’s funeral home on December 22, 2017. I was able to enjoy some quality time with Jim and Leona Matlock and their daughter Patricia Matlock who works airport security here in Grande Prairie, Alberta at the Gp regional airport. At the reception of course after the funeral and before grandma’s internment at the cemetery in Bezanson. Anyhow Mom has been cooking potatoes for potential potato salad in the next two days. I’m just staying home until at least Monday if not Tuesday whatever time I’m scheduled to work at goodwill Industries.
Anyhow it’s the last few days before the start of 2018 and I’m already tired of thinking about everything. It’s also-36 degrees centigrade here where I am. You’d think that Mother Nature would have better ideas than such cold weather right now. Great day to stay home but I’m scheduled to work at goodwill at 4:30 this afternoon until close. It’s crazy cold weather here but it’s Alberta weather and if there’s anything better then wait 5 minutes I’m sure it will be fine. Anyhow I’m just sitting here at home on the farm doing nothing in particular it’s just not working for me that it’s really cold. Anyhow I’m just hoping that they will happen to see warmer weather soon. I’m just hoping that someone will get the hint. And I’m just waiting to hear back from my mom about what time we’re going to be going to town. Sooner or later we will have to do something. Anyhow I’m just hoping waiting for the weather to arrive soon at least before the new year. Anyhow I’m just hoping. I’m just hoping that Mom is going to have the answer soon. Sooner rather than later I hope. And men are just not that intelligent group of people. Having shit for brains they do just about everything that is stupid and lacking consistency in other stuff having no common sense they just dumb stuff down like that. And screw up everything possible. Anyhow I’m just hoping that they will happen to learn something better soon as possible. I’m just saying. And people are full of shit anyhow. And piss and vinegar as well. Nothing worse than stupidity with an attitude.
Anyhow me and my mom were going to come to town and stuff like go to the bottle depot when we got the call that grandma had just passed away this morning. Anyhow I’m just sad but she’s comfortable now and in peaceful sleep known as death. Anyhow I saw her in bed where she slept in every night eyes closed mouth slightly opened and her forehead cool to the touch. Anyhow we’re going to miss grandma and we love her and will be fondly remembered for being patient and caring about everything she did. I know that I benefited from her patience while I learned how to knit and spent time once making a quilt over the winter before she moved to town. She often help me with knitting and crocheting projects and helping me with difficult parts and often helped me fix many of my mistakes. She was always by my side. I also remember that she was concerned about my safety and she admitted to me one time when I was visiting her at wild rose villas and manor that she was concerned about my slipping on the sidewalk on my way to see her one day and getting hurt that day. At the end of the visit she insisted that I call her soon as I got home to my apartment from her apartment because she was worried about me.
I’m just at Lannie and Sarah’s place simply because my parents are babysitting Charlotte and Logan for a few hours while Sarah teaches knitting in Sexsmith Alberta. Anyhow Lannie and Sarah need to change a lightbulb in the bathroom soon and Charlotte is watching peppa pig on Netflix. Logan is napping in his room. Charlotte looks like she’s going to fall asleep soon as well. She’s certainly very quiet right now. Lannie is in Texas right about now watching a few Dallas games. Anyhow it’s just a quiet day so I’m just in the kitchen on the iPad. Anyhow I’m just waiting for the day they develop a 1000 gigabytes iPod touch for the betterment of my life. I’m the kind of person who loves music and a few other things to happen as well. Anyhow I’m just saying for all the music that I enjoy and a million other things. I hope everything works well so much so that a thousand gigabyte iPod happens soon as possible. But that’s just what I want to see happen.